OMG! White-hot Apple iPhone 5 and iPad 2 news, direct from an industry insider

OMG! White-hot Apple iPhone 5 and iPad 2 news, direct from an industry insider

As part of our job, we’re tasked with rummaging around finding interesting nuggets of information, hot news and exciting launches to share with you, but when an Apple product launch is due something rather strange happens.

Normally sensible sites and intelligent writers become gripped in a bizarre frenzy which compels them to post up a stream of wild guesses, source-free flights of fantasy, vague hunches and daft yarns based on the most speculative of claims, and shunt all this fiction into their ‘news’ sections.

Breaking news! A rumour about a rumour!

In the past few weeks, pointless, fact-free articles posted across multiple ‘news’ sites have included claims about a forthcoming smaller iPad 2, a smaller iPhone 5, a bigger iPhone 5, a new nano iPhone, an unnamed budget iPhone, an entire new class of iPhone, an iPhone 5 with LTE, an iPhone 5 with a slide out physical keyboard,  a delay in iPhone 5 production till June, an delay in Phone 5  production till September, no delay in iPhone 5 production at all, an iPad 2 with twice the screen resolution, a dual core iPad 2, an iPad 2 production delay and – just to throw something different in the bag – a new MacBook in (gasp!) black.

OMG! White-hot Apple iPhone 5 and iPad 2 news, direct from an industry insider

Psst. Keep this under your hat

But if that avalanche of bollocks posturing as news wasn’t bad enough, how about some rumours of rumoured delays to rumoured products? And how about a Reuters source refuting the rumours of rumoured delays to rumoured Apple products with its own rumoured source?

Warp factor drivel

It seems that for some ‘industry insiders,’ journalists and bloggers, writing complete tosh about forthcoming Apple products they know nothing about isn’t quite enough.

Instead, this imaginative breed like to get all sci-fi on our asses and start spinning fantasy tales of  far-distant products like the iPhone 6 and the iPad 3 – two products you can guarantee they know absolutely sod all about.

A “connected industry expert” (i.e some random person making up stuff to drive more traffic to their site) has apparently revealed the earth-shattering news that the as yet non-existent iPad 3 is going to have a smaller screen, while there’s no shortage of equally made up drivel being spouted about the iPhone 6.

So here’s today’s breakthrough Apple news: we have no actual real Apple news, just like 99.99% of these sites pumping out daft nonsense every ruddy day.

OMG! White-hot Apple iPhone 5 and iPad 2 news, direct from an industry insider

Breaking news!

But hold on! We do have some, like, awesome OMG! real, actual Apple news that’s soooo hot off the press: the company is rumoured to be holding an event – yes AN EVENT – on March 2nd in San Francisco, and that can only mean one thing – it’s time for yet more groundless, evidence-untroubled articles with loads of made up stuff about new products that nobody actually knows anything about.

A real iPhone secret

And that reminds us, we’ve got a real insider insight into the iPhone 5.

Keep it to yourself mind, but a reliable source with insider know-how adjusted his trousers in such a way as to suggest that the next iPhone is going to be powered by stars, be the size of a thimble and project apps on to the surface of the Moon.

Keep it to yourself though. And please keep clicking on our ads. Thanks.

Coming tomorrow: Chinese worker poisoned  by factory fumes claims that the revolutionary iPad 5 will bend time and space, offer holographic travel and be powered by eco-friendly, shrunken stag beetles.

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7 Comments on “OMG! White-hot Apple iPhone 5 and iPad 2 news, direct from an industry insider”

  1. The other ‘delight’ to come is the inevitable deluge of updates along the lines of ‘Apple store down!?!’ and that damned post it note…

  2. Triple awesome on toast!

    Apple has confirmed the March 2nd event, so that only gives bloggers and tech sites a little over a week to start shovelling out as much pageview-attracting speculative waffle as they can.

    We still think our thimble sized iPhone could be coming though.

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